Round-Up: SAHM Edition

Last week, I was on vacation.  Glorious, stress-free, vacation…AT HOME.  I have always wanted to take a full week of vacation time and just sit at home, eating nachos for breakfast, watching Kathy Lee and Hoda, reading Us Weekly and wearing yoga pants with zero intention of actually doing yoga (or any physical activity, for that matter).  Now that we’re parents, a week of time at home gives me a peek into the life of a stay-at-home mom.

I learned a few things in those 7ish days; some of those things are valuable life tools.  And some of those things involve The Wiggles.

Top Ten Things Learned During SAHM Week…

10. You’re an anti-TV parent until you are forced to become a TV parent.  Let me clarify this by saying we are still anti-TV parents; however, when you need 15 minutes to vacuum, take a phone call, find the cat or just poop, well…plopping Miles in the Jumperoo and giving him some PBS was the answer.

9. Your coffee will probably be cold by the time you finish it.  Every morning, I would play with Miles on the floor in the living room and attempt to drink my coffee.  This worked fine, until he noticed my coffee mug.  Once the mug was in his line of sight, it was game over.  He would stop at nothing in his attempts to grab my mug, because suddenly that mug of coffee was more important than anything in the entire universe, ever. 

8. All electrical cords belong to Miles.  I thought I could work on our family Christmas card while Miles was playing with one of his favorite toys (a measuring cup).  He was intently putting his orange monkey under the measuring cup, scooting it over, then picking it up again to see if monkey was still there.  He had no idea I was even in the room.  I quietly plugged in my laptop, and started working.  That was the moment his spidey senses kicked in…realizing an electrical cord was nearby, Miles immediately stopped playing with his cup.  After 10 minutes of attempting to work, I gave up.  A similar situation arose with the vacuum, steam mop, and phone charger.  Some of you may be wondering why electrical cords are so awesome.  Like all awesome toys, you can BEAT THEM ON THE FLOOR AND MAKE NOISE.

7. A majority of children’s programming is frightening, or created by people taking psychotropic drugs.  I thought I’d check out that BabyFirst channel, only to find some terrifying show with three large and incredibly realistic looking mice singing and dancing, with no movement from their mouths.  Just these blank, vacant stares from their beady costume eyes.  

And now you can share in my nightmare.

So that ended up on the “do not watch” list.  Then I tried something called Lazy Town, but found most of the actors had rubber masks or weird hair, and added that to the list as well.  These very strange shows also seemed to lack any educational value.  

Not good role models.  Also, questionable fashion choices.

What made the cut?  The Wiggles, Barney and Friends (YES, THAT IS STILL ON THE AIR!), Sid the Science Guy, Sesame Street and The Chica Show.  Good stuff.

6. A majority of new children’s music is also frightening.  While I am anti-TV, during playtime we do have music going…Miles loves music.  We usually listen to jazz, but I decided to venture into the world of children’s music.  There’s a lot of good stuff out there.  For instance, Caspar Babypants (you can’t make this stuff up) is now in my regular playlist.  He’s like a Jack Johnson for babies, and it is awesomesauce.  

How can you not love this guy?

SERIOUSLY.  He's awesome.  I would listen to him even if I didn't have children.

However, when a group called “Preschool Popstars” came on singing a song about a daycare dance party, I decided I did not want my eight month old in da club.  You would also be amazed at the number of adult pop songs (Lady Gaga, Beyonce, etc.) that make it to the children’s station because they are being sung by THE CHIPMUNKS.  This type of torture should be saved for Guantanamo.  Fun fact: These tunes will also make your ears bleed.

Sippin' on juice.  Just juice.

THIS IS AN ACTUAL SONG.

Yes, I could have made the entire post about this one thing.

It's like a train wreck, I just can't turn away from it.

WHY IS THAT TODDLER WEARING SUNGLASSES?!

5. You can wear the same clothes five days in a row, and no one will know.  Except the UPS guy.  And maybe the mailman.  Also, employees at Publix, depending on how many times you visit the store.  Fashion be damned, I wore the same yoga pants and Grateful Dead t-shirt ALL. WEEK. LONG.  It was awesome.

4. You get to eat lunch with your kiddo!  Feeding Miles while simultaneously feeding myself is nothing new, but eating lunch at 11am is.  So at 2pm, when I was suddenly hungry in a way that can only be akin to a bear waking from hibernation, I would usually binge on something sensible, like an entire sleeve of Ritz crackers and half a jar of Nutella.  Don’t look at me like that.

3. You finally see why all the other moms won’t stop talking about the blue Wiggle.

 Oh, you think he's kind of lame?

TRY AGAIN.

2. You get to read a book!  And a magazine!  And watch re-runs of SATC!  Miles’ longest nap usually happens around lunch time…two hours of glorious, uninterrupted ME TIME.  Choirs of angels sang the first time I sat down to read. 

1. YOU GET TO TAKE A NAP…EVERY SINGLE DAY!  Oh my gosh, naps.  I haven’t taken a nap since…how old is my son?  That long.  It was awesome.

Besides these learning moments, I also really, really, really enjoyed just getting some downtime with my kiddo.  These are the days that go by quickly, where he seems to still be swaddled one minute and somehow riding a tricycle the next.  It happens that fast.  So having many, many days of “just us” was an incredible, tremendous blessing.  I cried The Ugly Cry three times last week, just sitting there watching him play, because I suddenly realized he was no longer my teeny, tiny little baby.  He’s a big boy.  An amazing, smart, funny, snuggly and loving little guy. 

Dropping him off at school on Monday was like that first day, all over again.  Only this time, Miles eagerly crawled to the basket of toys and immediately began dumping them all over the floor, totally oblivious to the fact that mom was standing there, teary eyed, watching her baby grow up.  I kissed him goodbye; he bopped me on the nose and tried to take my glasses, then he gave me a hug.  A real hug.

I left before my morning at daycare turned into a Publix Thanksgiving commercial.

You cried when the pilgrims were separated at the table, right?

Working parents, if you get the chance to take some vacation and spend it at home with your young ones, I cannot encourage you enough to do it.  In the blink of an eye, kids are off at college, getting married, giving you grandchildren…these days are precious and brief.  Even when you’re tired, distracted, running a hundred miles an hour…stop, and make the most of these days.  You will appreciate these memories so much as your children grow.

Sappy McSapperston,

Kristin

Slow. Down.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, one of my favorite holidays, and not just for the endless array of casseroles, gravy, cranberry sauce, wine, dessert (and dessert wine).  It’s a time that we get to enjoy at a slower pace, surrounded by friends and family, wearing stretchy yoga pants, watching football and just enjoying each other’s company.  Right?  RIGHT?!

I have never been a Black Friday shopper.  I hate the mall, I hate the crowds, and I really don’t enjoy shopping (my nineteen year old self just rolled her eyes at me…) Some people love Black Friday; the thrill of the hunt, getting up at 3am, standing in line, fighting over Tickle Me Elmo dolls and arguing with the barista when she forgets the triple shot of espresso. 

And each year, stores open earlier, stay open longer, offer more insanely unreasonable sales to drive the hoards of crazies through their doors.  Thanksgiving is no longer a holiday to be celebrated; it’s become a minor preamble that we rush through just to get to the 100 MILE PER HOUR GIVE ME ALL THE STUFF CHRISTMAS SHOPPING EXPLOSION IN YOUR FACE.  NOW WITH MORE STUFF!!!

The commercialism of the holiday season is overwhelming.  There are too many screaming TV commercials with blinking lights, bells, dancing elves, annoying music and size 72 font prices for me to handle.  This time of year is not about getting a Hamilton Beach crockpot for 83% off retail price, just because you can.

People, you don’t need this stuff.  You have enough stuff.  You don’t even have room for the new stuff.  You can’t even name all of the stuff you already have.  Do you know what you really need to do?  Slow. The. Hell. Down.

We wait until after Thanksgiving to put up our Christmas tree.  We wait until after Thanksgiving to do any Christmas shopping.  We want to enjoy each moment, day, holiday, gathering, activity, as it comes.  If you’re constantly racing to the next event, can you truly enjoy and appreciate where you are right now?  Stop.  Sit with each other.  Talk.  Laugh.  Drink more wine.  Eat more pumpkin roll.  Enjoy your time.  And be thankful.

We have instilled a “Get One, Give One” mantra in our household.  If you get a new toy, you must give an old toy to Goodwill.  It’s important to us that our children understand that receiving gifts can be fun, but giving is so much better.  Because if you feel a thousand rays of sunshine happy when you get something, don’t you want someone else to experience that same feeling?

We are also making an effort to spend less because, again, stop it with the stuff.  I have a decent list of DIY Christmas gifts I have put together over the past few months (friends and family, be prepared…)  If spending money on a gift, we are considering things that are practical, enjoyable and most importantly, meaningful.  And if I actually go through with any of this DIY business, rest assured there will be a post about it, wink wink.

We will focus on our time together, more than ever.  Ignore Pinterest, Etsy, Facebook, Instagram and television.  You have enough sugar cookie recipes; you will never get around to making those votive holders (unless it’s a gift, then have at it…), and there’s no need in making yourself feel holiday guilt by comparing your tree, house, gifts, etc., to those of your 1,872 “friends” on Facebook.  Look at each other.  Spend time with each other.  Put down the smartphone, close the laptop, and connect to something other than your wi-fi for a change. 

This really is a time of thanks; if you stop for a moment and take inventory of your life, you will find you are immensely, tremendously, incredibly blessed.  And it’s not just the stuff you have; it’s the people, the relationships, the memories, the time together, the experiences, the laughter, the love. 

Ferris Bueller said it pretty well back in 1986:

“Life moves pretty fast.  If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

Happy Thanksgiving.

Taking it easy,

Kristin

Friday Round-Up: Halloween(ish) Edition

If it takes four months to prepare for vacation, then it should naturally take some length of time to get back into the swing of things, right?  I’m getting there…it’s just hard to catch up with so many important things on my list I need to accomplish:

-         Haul all of the fall and Christmas decorations out of the garage.

-         Sort the decorations.

-         Admire the decorations.

-         Tell the decorations how much I’ve missed them.

-         Sit around and smell my Fall Harvest, Cozy Fireside and Balsam Pine Scentsy bars, to prepare myself for the seasons.

Look, it’s a zen process, full of meditation and sitting around in PJs wishing the weather would turn cooler.

So, Round-Up time…yes, Halloween was a million years ago, but I had some thoughts that I wrote down and I’m sharing them now…

Halloweenie

Teenage girls and mothers of teenage girls…seriously, what’s up with the costumes?  Why do you look like you’re auditioning for the Bunny Ranch?  WHAT KIND OF EXAMPLE ARE YOU SETTING?  I would like a nationwide spandex/lycra ban next year.  Also, no more animal ears and tails.

Greedy kids…one visit to a house/trunk-or-treat/other Halloween event is adequate.  There’s no need to show up four times, demanding more candy.  I’m totally ratting you out to your dentist.

Florida…can we get some cooler weather for Halloween?  It’s unfair that I find the most adorable costume ever in the history of time and space, and Miles can only wear it for 20 minutes because it happens to be fleece but it also happens to be 178 degrees outside at 8:00pm.  Get with the program.

Neighbors...when we arrived home from Trunk-Or-Treat, you were throwing boomerangs in the park across the street.  You are not Aussies, but I respect your hobby.  I am unsure as to why (and a little unnerved) you felt the need to throw boomerangs until ELEVEN THIRTY PM.  I half expected Halloween night to turn into some B horror movie: “Boomerangicide: THEY ALWAYS RETURN.”

Costumes…other than the costumes for Miles and Evan (I win 1,000,000 points for those) my favorite costume this year belonged to a dad of one of the kids trick-or-treating in our neighborhood.  He was wearing a “bloody” t-shirt with knife slashes and mini cereal boxes attached all over.  I interpreted this costume as “Killer Cereal”, since to be a cereal killer, it seems like he’d be the knife wielder, right?  So if his intention was ironic, he gets 10,000 points.

American Horror Story…are you guys watching this season?  It hasn’t been very scary, but it’s been disturbing.  I’m loving the last two Halloween episodes, though.  Good stuff.  If you watch AHS, you can catch a good (and hilarious) recap over at My Favorite and My Best.  She’s awesomesauce, not only for her artistic abilities (inspires me to continue not finishing any of our reno projects) but also for her spot on Jessica Lange impersonation and screen caps from each episode.  I mean, it's no Walking Dead (swoon) but it's still good stuff.

Candy...I love you SO. MUCH.  Especially candy corn, mini Snickers, Milky Ways, Baby Ruth, Tootsie Rolls, and Dots.  Man, do I love Dots.  They're totally worth it, even if they pull out your fillings.  But candy corn wins all the candy points; that stuff is irresistable.   

Now, for things non-All Hallows’ Eve related…

Hairy Carey…last week, I cut my own bangs.  I do this a lot, usually with some level of success.  I’m still growing out a not-awesome haircut I got right before Miles was born (my hair grows super slow, except for the grays – they sprout like bamboo and take over).  I know I’m not the only person too lazy/thrifty to pay for someone else to cut my bangs.  What about color?  I’m considering a new color, which I’ll do myself.  Darker?  Lighter?  Grayer?  If your choice is the last, I have been fashionable for 18 months.

The No TV Project

PEOPLE: I am considering taking a hiatus from television for one week (okay, five weekdays).  One of those guilt-ridden inspirational photo posts popped up somewhere (Facebook?  Pinterest?  Instagram?  Epicurious?  I have no idea…) and it said,

If you don’t have enough time, turn off the TV.

And I thought to myself, “sonofabitch, they’re watching me through the living room window.”  Because seriously, I love my DVR.  I love my DVR in a way that if polygamy was allowed in Florida, we would go all Big Love with the DVR.  Maybe the OnDemand, too.  I will admit that my amount of TV watching isn’t what it used to be, but I still think that I watch enough of it in the evenings that it interferes with the things I’d like to accomplish during the week (also, things that have been on my to-do list since before Miles was born).

We don’t watch TV until after Miles goes to bed, normally around 8pm.  I usually hit the hay by 10pm, sometimes earlier, but let’s average and say I’m watching two hours of TV a day.  It doesn’t seem like much to some, but when I consider how ticked off I get the next day because I didn’t complete XYZ task, I silently curse the TV in my head.

TV : Kristin  ::  Apple : Eve

So, I am considering going off the DVR grid next week.  Wish me luck.  I’m already depressed.  A little excited, but depressed, too.  Maybe I can just cut down to one show a day?  The thought of missing AHS, SVU and Criminal Minds is giving me heart palpitations…thank the TV angels that The Walking Dead airs on Sunday nights.

18 mini Snickers to go,

Kristin

Vacation = Awesome ... North Florida = NOT Awesome

She’s baaaack…

Ah, back from vacation.  Okay, we were back on Saturday, but you know it takes a while to recover from vacation, right?  A good kind of recovery, but still.

So remember all that freaking out about toys and traveling and eating and pooping and sleeping?  It went something like this:

Toys: Packed a lot; played with a lot, but nothing (and I mean nothing) compared to the fun that was crunching Fall leaves.  Seriously, the kid couldn’t get enough of it.  Also, his crawling went from second gear to fifth gear over a matter of two days.  Did you know that the best way to measure the level of fun an item contains is to taste it?  Evidence:

 Leaves...delicious. 

Mittens...flavorful.  And pointless.

 Mom...SUPERAWESOMEDELICIOUS.

Barstool...delicious, and full of fiber. 

Traveling: Oh. My. Gosh.  I’ll probably jinx myself by saying this, but Miles was born for road trips and vacations.  Through our first 7 hour stretch, he kept his exact same napping and eating schedule.  We stopped overnight in Alpharetta, and he slept through in his pack ‘n play.  This awesomely awesome awesomeness continued through the entire trip.  The key to keeping a happy traveler is to stop and stretch; when it was mealtime, we’d find a nice rest area with a shady picnic spot and throw down the quilt.  Let the kid crawl around, play with toys (you know, eat grass and leaves…) and he was a happy camper and ready to nap when we got back on the road.

Eating: He finished his antibiotics on day two of our trip, and his appetite (and poop) was back to normal.  Also, the adult appetites were like, super awesome…and I think Miles was a little jealous he couldn’t have any barbecue, fried okra, biscuits ‘n gravy or pumpkin beer.  Maybe next year, kiddo…

Miles seriously loved being outside, probably because Fall weather is so awesome once you’re north of the Palm Tree Line.  We hiked, and he hung out in the Bjorn like the amazing mountain baby he is.  He played on the deck of the cabin, in grassy spots while we hiked, and next to beautiful creeks.  If nap time rolled around during a hike, he napped.

Mushy stuff: We have always loved our annual trip to western NC; it’s a place that is very special to us for many reasons.  But this year, it was totally different and in an amazingly awesome way…because this year, we got to see everything with a brand new set of eyes.  To watch Miles discover leaves and dirt and grass and cold, mountain water was such a blessing.  And to have a whole entire week of family time?  Even bigger blessing.  Getting to spend every day and night with my favorite guys, doing nothing but enjoying life, my goodness…worth it a million times over.

So we’re probably friends on Facebook and you’ve seen the barrage of photos.  Now let’s talk about what Facebook doesn’t tell you…

On the day we were leaving NC, Evan came down with a wicked sinus and double ear infection (we didn’t know that’s what it was at the time; we just knew he was feeling ROUGH).  So, I did most of the packing and most of the driving.  People: this is a big deal.

I drove from Bryson City, NC to the GA-FL line, including driving through the Atlanta Bypass.  ALL OF THE MILES, I DROVE THEM.  No one can take that away from me.  I am a 25mph, center lane driving, blinker on for 100 yards, mountain and interstate motor vehicle operator…much to the chagrin of every single other driver on the road.  ALL OF THE MILES, MINE.

We decided to stop in Lake City to crash on our way back down.  This area was suggested by an unnamed friend who is lucky she is still my friend, because if there’s any place in the world you should never, ever, ever stay, it’s North Florida.

I chose a place that had a four star review on Expedia, and was part of a chain.  Making sure your hotel is part of a chain is important, as we have learned through experience (again, in North Florida).

The hotel was awful.  It was a million years old.  The hallways were outdoors.  The doors to the room wouldn’t close properly.  The air conditioner sounded like Air Force One preparing for take off.  I refused to take my socks off, and wrapped myself in my own personal blanket to sleep.  Also, I only peed once.  ONCE!  No, it was not the chain hotel I thought we’d be getting…it was  a motel with a new sign.  Oh, and a traveling girl’s softball team staying overnight.

When I booked, I chose “two adults, one child” because I’m an honest person.  But, when you tell the hotel you have a child, they do one thing: put you on the same floor as the entire traveling girl’s softball team.  So, at 10:30p, when you’re desperately trying to sleep and not think about an axe murderer crashing through your hotel room window, your neighbor can be heard (through the paper thin walls) running up and down the hallway.  Up and down, up and down, up and down.  For 45 minutes.  Yelling.

I finally lost what little bit of sanity I had left (remember, I drove through Atlanta) and went next door.  The hotel room door was open, and mom and dad were sitting on the bed with a 24 pack of Keystone Light.  Ah, North Florida…

Me: “Excuse me, would you mind asking your girls to keep it down?  We have a six month old trying to sleep.”

Dad: “YEAH, SURE.”  :::takes swig of beer and continues watching World Series:::

No eye contact, no apology, nothing.  I am certain that, had the rooms allowed smoking, I would have noticed half a pack of Salems stubbed out in a cheap ashtray.  I know, I’m judgey. 

The running and jumping and yelling and roof construction continued until 3:30a.  I was about to become the murderer.  When it finally stopped, I spent the next three hours in a cat nap state, waiting for murderers.

The hotel advertised a hot, continental breakfast.  I had already decided against that, knowing that what qualified as “hot” and “continental” at the awesome hotel we stayed at in Alpharetta would most certainly not make a Lake City, FL menu.  Peering into the dining room/lobby/waiting area for homicide detectives, I saw the hoard of teenagers eating bagels and fruit cups.  Yes, continental indeed.

We loaded up, fueled up, and with a “Kiss My Grits, Lake City!” bumper sticker we hopped on I-75, made it to a Dunkin’ Donuts and started on our merry way south.

When deciding between an overnight stay in Georgia or Florida, choose Georgia.  It’s worth the extra hour of driving time to have a new, clean hotel with new, clean rooms and hot breakfast.  And coffee.  Starbucks coffee.  Mmmm.

Alright, off to work on the Halloween edition of Round-Up, because there’s lots more to talk about.

Happy to be home,

Kristin